It turns out she was having a Skype video conversation with her Uncle who lives in Boston, Massachusetts.  As I leaned in to view the screen I saw my brother-in-law and also saw myself in the bottom of the screen.  I waved and said hello and he did the same back to me.  Amazing!

I have had several opportunities to put provisions in agreement divorces or relocation case settlements that obligate one party or the other to have broadband connections to facilitate communications with the other non-custodial parent but this was my first personal experience with it in video form.  It really was a great way to communicate and was much better than a simple phone call would have been.

Alabama has no statutory obligation requiring a court to consider Skype or other forms of ”virtual visitaion.”  I am also not aware of a published opinion where this was required by a judge after a hearing.  However, with the economy being in the condition it is, causing both custodial and non-custodial parents to consider relocating to find jobs, the technology that allows this sort of communication can help improve an otherwise bad situation.  The technology has defenitely come a long way.  Video conversations are certaily no substitution for spending time with your children but they absolutely can help give the feeling that your children are not so far away.

It is one of the toughest tasks that accompanies a divorce.  How do we tell the children? I recently came across a good article that advised parents facing divorce to avoid these three mistakes when telling the children:

1. Pressuring the children to make a choice,
2. Forgetting to emphasize that the children did not cause the divorce, and
3. Sharing information that only adults should be aware of.

You can read the entire article here.  In the article, the author elaborates on each point. I want to specifically emphasize the third point.  Divorce attorneys see this mistake made all of the time (sharing information with the children that only adults should be aware of).  It is typically done when one parent is hurt and mad at the other because they have somehow been wronged.  Often it is when adultery is involved.  The parent decides to tell the children the reason mommy and daddy are getting  divorce is because “your father has a girlfriend” (or something like that).  When asked why in the world they would tell their children this, they justify it by saying, “the children deserve to know the truth” or “I was just being honest with them.”

DO NOT DO THIS. Really.  It is incredibly selfish and immature and it hurts your children.  I know there may be some circumstances where it may be necessary.  Maybe the child is 17 and the affair was with a teacher at the school and so all of her friends are going to find out (yes, I’ve seen it happen).  But, even in those situations, slow down. Check your motivation.  Are you really protecting your child by telling her?  Is it really necessary? I find that often it is not.  Don’t do it to your children.  The divorce is going to be hard enough on them.

Finally, I would add one more to the author’s list: Remind them that both mom and dad still love them. Children in divorce need to be reminded that the breakup of the marriage does not mean that either parent no longer loves them.  This is VERY important.  Even if you are the spouse who did not want the divorce, make sure they know that the other spouse still loves them and the divorce does not mean they don’t.  They need to hear that.

NOTE: The author of the article offers some resources at the end of the article to assist in telling the children about divorce. I have not reviewed them myself, but I have talked to the author in the past and I have heard very good reports about those resources.  You may want to check them out if you are facing divorce and are not sure how to tell the kids.

The brief article addresses two different views of divorce held by researchers on the effects of divorce on children. Elizabeth Marquardt takes the position that parents should fight harder to save their marriages because of the effects that it has on children. On the other hand, Vicki Lansky emphasizes that what is important is the way the parents’ divorce unfolds, not the fact that the divorce itself occurs. Both have authored books on divorce.